


Sick of the Kissing Cult

by TealAlternian



Series: Trials, Pain, and Healing from the Past: A Vast Error Human AU [2]
Category: Homestuck, Vast Error
Genre: Arospec character, Blood, Brief Physical Abuse, Coming Out, Greyromantic Character, Internalized Arophobia, Multi, Relationships tagged are mostly brief/vague, Verbal Abuse, Violence, all caps text, anger issues, figuring oneself out
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:59:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27130792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TealAlternian/pseuds/TealAlternian
Summary: For most of his life, Arcjec hasn’t really understood romance.  No matter how hard he’s tried, it’s just never made sense to him.  But he can’t help but wonder; why doesn’t it?
Relationships: Arcjec Voorat/Tazsia Poemme, Calder Kerian/Ellsee Raines (implied), arcjec voorat/Calder kerian
Series: Trials, Pain, and Healing from the Past: A Vast Error Human AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1924453
Comments: 5
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Arospec Arcjec has my heart and soul.
> 
> (Takes place before the main timeline.)

His name is Arcjec Voorat, he’s 13 years old, and he just doesn’t get how crushes work. He’s heard plenty about how great they are, both from his peers and from his friends. But he just… doesn’t understand how someone can even tell they have one in the first place. He’s asked his parents before, but all they’ve ever said is ‘you’ll just know’, leaving him with even more questions than when he started. And quite frankly he’s sick of it, not knowing. What if he has a crush on someoneright now, and he just doesn’t know it?

Then it dawns on him one day; why not just ask Laivan? He has a girlfriend, so obviously he knows what a crush feels like. Besides, he’s 14, so he must know a lot more! Right? Right. Almost as soon as he finds enough free time after realizing this, he decides to message him and ask.

[animatedHumorist (to windlessArtificer)]

AH: hey!!

AH: laivan

AH: heeeeeyyy

AH: laaaavaaaaaiiin!!!!!

AH: hey laivan i have a question

WA: Sorry I was finishing my homework-

WA: What’s your question?

AH: how do you know when you have a crush on someone??? like the red kind that movies talk about a lot

WA: Uh-

WA: Why are you asking me this exactly?

AH: because you have a girlfriend so you’ve gotta know!!!

AH: and because my parents never give me a real answer

WA: Well uh…

WA: I guess you know because you really like them?

WA: And you always want to spend time with them- and be around them

WA: And seeing them happy makes you really happy too- so you always want to see them happy

WA: And you wish you could do all sorts of nice things for them- and just be with them a lot

WA: I think that’s basically what it's like?

WA: Or that’s what I think about Serpaz anyway-

AH: oh okay!!!

AH: i think i have a crush then

WA: Oh-?

WA: Really? Who is it?

AH: i introduced you to taz right??

WA: It’s her?

AH: yeah!!!!!

AH: she’s really cool and i wanna hang out with her all the time and stuff!!!!

AH: i really like her a lot!!

WA: Are you like- sure about that?

AH: huh??????

AH: what do you mean???

WA: I don’t mean anything-

WA: Just

WA: Well she’s kind of

WA: Um

WA: Aggressive?

AH: she’s not that bad!!!

AH: she just has some stuff going on that’s all!!

AH: and i still have a crush on her and you’re not gonna stop me!!!!

WA: I’m not trying to stop you-

WA: I’m just saying you should be careful is all

AH: i wiiiillllll

AH: thanks for helping me out though laivan!!!

WA: No problem

WA: I’ve gotta go now though- my mom is calling me-

WA: Bye Arcjec

AH: bye!!!!

[windlessArtificer has ceased messaging animatedHumorist]

Well that was even more helpful than he thought it’d be. He found the answer, and found out he has a crush on Taz! Somehow, saying that again in his head feels strange, even wrong almost. But he just brushes it aside; he’s just defined his feelings for the first time, it probably takes some getting used to is all. And with that in mind, he sets himself to a plan: Tell Taz how he feels at school tomorrow.

* * *

This was a great plan and no amount of nerves can convince him otherwise. It’s simple really. Find Taz in the hall between classes, tell her he likes her, be boyfriend and girlfriend, get married someday. Yep, incredibly simple, and nothing could possibly go wrong. It’s already going great too; she’s standing like ten feet away from him, talking to some guy he doesn’t recognize and looking bored out of her skull. It’s now or never, he decides, taking a deep breath and walking right up next to her.

“Hey, Taz! I’ve gotta tell you something!” She turns to him, looking just as bored, just with an added hint of barely concealed annoyance as well now. “What the hell do you want Arcjec, I’m busy.” As much as he hates to annoy her, this doesn’t deter him. He’s determined to tell her, no matter what. He steels himself, trying to recall the lines he spent all night memorizing. “Taz, I really like you a lot, and I like hanging out with you, and talking to you. And I have a crush on you.”

He watches her face for a reaction. Her expression switches between a mix of shock, embarrassment, and what he hopes is genuine consideration. After a moment, she finally replies, face back to a more mild sort of bored annoyance. “Okay. You’re my boyfriend now then.”

Wow, that went better than he ever could’ve expected. They’re already at step three, right off the bat! Things couldn’t have possibly gone any better!

So why does the happiness he feels from that seem so small, and why does it feel so overshadowed by a weird new kind of discomfort?

* * *

It’s been a month since then, and things have been… Arcjec doesn’t really know how they’ve been, if he’s being completely honest. No one ever told him dating would feel so awkward, or that things that people in relationships do are so strange and uncomfortable. Even holding hands with Taz feels wrong somehow, the temptation to yank his hand back from hers popping up in his head every single time. But that’s okay, he tells himself, this is just new and he’s not used to any of it yet. Taz is his girlfriend now, and that’s great and it’ll just keep getting even better.

“Hey, Arcjec! I need to show you something.” Speak of the devil, there she is right now. Arcjec turns to look at her. “Yeah? What is it?” She sighs in annoyance, rolling her eyes. “I’ll show you in a minute jackass, you have to follow me first.”

Oh, so it’s a surprise then! This automatically makes things twice as exciting. “Oh! Okay, sure!” She leads him out to behind the school, and his curiosity grows. What does she have to show him that’s either already outside, or needs to be shown outside? She stops about as far back as they can go, under a tree. There’s no one else around; the aloneness of this makes it even more exciting somehow.

She turns to face him now. “Just… don’t talk for a minute, okay?” Despite having a million and one questions, keeps his mouth shut after that, even as she gets right up in his face, just a few inches away. He doesn’t quite know why she’s doing any of this. Can’t she just show him already?

She kisses him, and it’s the worst thing he’s ever felt. It feels… weird and gross and just wrong, something in his brain telling him this shouldn’t be happening. He shoves her in the chest, pushing her away from him. He wipes his mouth with his sleeve, trying to get rid of the awful feeling of another person’s lips.

Taz’s face quickly goes from shocked to incredibly pissed. “What the FUCK is wrong with you asshole!?” Oops. Yeah, he really screwed up here. “Sorry, I uh, you surprised me I guess. Sorry. I can kiss you again if you-“ The feeling of his nose breaking, blood dripping down his face, registers before the fact that she just punched him in the face.

Hot tears run down his face, feeling scared and entirely betrayed. How could she do this to him, doesn’t she like him? That's not supposed to happen, maybe she just… doesn’t really like him anymore. That's it, crush over, time to run away and never speak to Taz again. And honestly? He doesn’t particularly want to anymore. Laivan was right, this was a bad idea, and now he’s paying for it.

When he goes to see the school nurse and she asks what happened, he tells her he tripped and fell onto something outside. For some reason, the thought of telling her what really happened scares him.


	2. Chapter 2

It’s not until almost two years later that he gets back in contact with Taz. He regrets it the second he does it, but there’s nothing he can do now, the message has already been sent.

[animatedHumorist (to perniciousOverkill)]

AH: Hey.

Shit, why did he do that? The mere thought of talking to her gives him intense anxiety. But he’s desperate to talk to someone right now, and he’s not sure who to turn to right now because everything went to shit a couple days ago. But there’s no more time to think about that. Taz already answered.

PO: What do you fucking WANT Arcjec.

AH: Christ you’re touchy as fuck. Can’t I just feel like feel like fucking talking to you?

PO: You haven’t wanted to do that in two YEARS you piece of shit.

PO: So what fucking is it?

AH: I just wanted to fucking talk you ass.

AH: And Laivan is still AWOL and I don’t particularly want to talk to Ellsee about this. So.

PO: Oh.

PO: it’s about all this shit then.

AH: Yeah no shit, it’s not exactly every day two of your friends go to jail for fucking murder.

PO: Yeah whatever. So why are you fucking talking to me about this shit?

AH: Because I fucking wanted to.

AH: Besides, you know Murrit or some shit, right? Aren’t you like, upset?

PO: I guess or whatever. He’s annoying as shit though.

AH: Still in jail though.

Conversation continues like this, with an annoying level of nonchalance on Taz’s part, and Arcjec pretending it doesn’t bother him. It’s a bit of a distraction at least, albeit an infuriating one.

About an hour into the conversation, she tells him she still has feelings for him. He lies and tells her he does too.

* * *

They last about two months this time. He pushes down his discomfort about things, ignoring it until he can get out of whatever dating induced situation he’s stuck in. He’s even able to stand kissing her this time around. It’s awful and he hates every second of it, and it makes him feel sick to his stomach every time without fail. But it’s worth it to maintain the relationship.

Besides, things are going better than last time. Taz is still just as pissed off at both him and the world in general as usual, and she admittedly kind of scares him a bit. But she’s slightly less pissed off than usual, and he’s managed to avoid fucking up bad enough to get punched this time. So that all must be a good sign, right?

It doesn’t stay a good sign for long, and eventually he can’t stand it anymore. He breaks up with her through a direct message, then subsequently ignores the following week of constant angry, overtly threatening messages she sends him. They slowly stop after that first week, and he goes on with life pretending Taz doesn’t exist. He tells no one in their friend group about this; they’re already in enough disarray as is from losing two people, they don’t need even more problems.


	3. Chapter 3

At the age of 17, Arcjec still doesn’t understand romance; in fact, he doesn’t even really see the appeal in it at all. The near obsession society seems to have with forcibly shoving romance, especially the red kind, down everyone’s throats is incredibly boring and almost disgusting after a while in his opinion. It’s not that he despises the concept. People dating doesn’t bother him, good for them really. In fact, he even enjoys it sometimes, albeit only in certain fictional concepts. It’s just so sickeningly oversaturated and prioritized, as if it’s the only key to happiness in existence and nothing else in life is important until you achieve it. And if romance is so great, why doesn’t he want it as well?

Admittedly, his entire dating experience is Taz, which doesn’t exactly make a great first impression of being in a relationship. Maybe he just needs to find someone else who’s not shit, and it’ll finally make sense? Or at least stop seeming so unappealing. Any quadrant would do technically, although red or pale would be a better starting point probably. But anything - and anyone - not awful would do. Well… time to peruse the possible options among his friend group.

He immediately runs into several problems here. Almost everyone is either taken, not into guys, outright just not someone he would connect with in any romantic way, or Ellsee. Who does he even know who he actually talks to on a semi-regular basis?

Maybe Calder? They’ve reconnected in the last few months or so, and he’s honestly pretty fun to talk to now. He’s changed a lot since they were kids, and he’s stopped saying a lot of the shitty things he used to say when he was younger. Plus, he’s both single and into guys. So how, if at all, could they work out in a quadrant?

Black is out of the question. They don’t have a particularly combative or rivalry filled relationship, and the thought of fighting with him, even in a fairly harmless and entirely black way, is a bit emotionally painful. The guy’s been through a lot, and Arcjec can’t imagine doing that to him. He doesn’t want to hurt him, whether it be physically or emotionally.

Oh, maybe pale? That could work. He already feels a bit protective of Calder, albeit in an entirely platonic way so far. Or at least he thinks it’s platonic. Shit, what if that’s what pale feelings are like? Wanting to protect someone, no matter what? Being unable to do something that could harm them? Wanting to help them out even? To him at least, it sounds fully possible that that’s exactly what pale feelings are like, and he should definitely and immediately pursue these newly realized feelings.

[animatedHumorist (to grandioseSaturation)]

AH: Hey Calder.  
AH: You don’t have a moirail right?  
GS: No, not since I was about 13. Why do you ask?  
AH: Because I think I’m pale for you and I kind of wanna try being moirails if you feel the same.  
GS: YOU DO?  
AH: So I’m guessing that’s a no then?  
GS: No no I’m not saying that. Sorry, you just surprised me there for a moment.  
GS: I’m not sure what to say really. I mean, I never really thought about you that way before. But you are a good friend, and I do enjoy spending time talking to you... So I suppose I’d be open to at least trying?  
AH: You sure? If you don’t want to that’s fine.  
GS: I’m sure. It would be nice to try being in a relationship with you.  
AH: Thanks Calder.  
GS: It’s no problem.  
GS: …<>  
AH: <>

They keep talking after that, same as ever. Yet it somehow feels more awkward with the idea of being moirails looming over his head. But he figures that’s just nerves from being in a new relationship.

————————————————

They last just short of four months this time. It's not nearly as awful as the last attempts he’s made at dating. He still enjoys talking to Calder, still considers him a good friend to talk to. And it’s not that he minds listening to Calder vent, or trying to offer him comfort or advice. He wants to help him, he really does. He just… doesn’t feel comfortable thinking about any of this in the context of something that’s not platonic. Eventually though, he just can’t do it anymore.

[animatedHumorist (to grandioseSaturation)]

AH: Hey Calder?  
AH: I need to talk to you about something.  
AH: But don’t be mad okay?  
GS: What happened? Is something wrong?  
AH: Nothing is wrong, I just.  
AH: I don’t think I actually feel pale for you. Or anything from any other quadrant either. I’m sorry.  
GS: Oh, okay. Thank you for telling me then.  
AH: So you’re not like, mad then?  
GS: Why would I be mad? You just don’t want to date me, and that’s fine. I never really felt a spark myself if I’m being honest. I see you as a good friend, not a partner.  
AH: Oh. That’s good then, glad it worked out I guess.  
GS: Yeah. I think I might like someone else actually.  
AH: Oh? Who, is it one of our friends?  
GS: Um.  
GS: Would you or would you not kill me if I said it it was you sister.  
AH: Holy SHIT.  
AH: Ellsee? You like *Ellsee*?  
AH: I didn’t even know you guys talked much.  
GS: We do. We really started talking about… a year or so ago? I didn’t start feeling anything for her until around six months ago though. Which is… I don’t know really. Because, um.  
GS: Can I tell you something I haven’t told anyone yet? Not even my therapist.  
GS: Please.  
AH: Sure, go for it.  
GS: I think I’m gay Arcjec. And I know it’s not uncommon to have a different orientation in the pale quadrant compared to in other quadrants. A lot of people do, even Jentha does. But I feel like this makes me wrong about being gay.  
GS: And that’s… kind of why I said yes to being your moirail.  
GS: To see if that would make it go away.  
AH: Oh. Calder, I…  
AH: I’m sorry.  
AH: It’s okay to feel like that though. You’re still gay, just not in pale. And there’s nothing wrong with that.  
GS: Thank you. Sorry it didn’t work out though.  
AH: Don’t worry about it. Like I said, I wasn’t really pale for you I don’t think. Being in a quadrant feels…  
AH: I don’t know really. Just, weird?  
GS: Weird how?  
AH: I don’t know really. Just. Wrong somehow. The entire time we were together I had to try not to think about the fact we were, well. Together.  
AH: And this wasn’t even my worst dating experience.  
AH: Both of the times I was in red with Taz I felt uncomfortable the entire time.  
AH: Kissing her made me feel physically sick to my stomach, and it all just felt so *wrong*.  
GS: Hmmmm…  
GS: Arcjec, have you ever considered that you might be aromantic?

What.

AH: What.  
GS: Aromantic. As in, no romantic attraction?  
GS: Or at least on the aromantic spectrum.  
GS: Have you ever felt anything you think was romantic for anyone, that didn’t end up just feeling wrong?  
AH: Um. No. That’s my entire romantic experience right there.  
AH: And I don’t even get why people care about romance and dating and shit so much.  
AH: It’s so fucking stupid, I’m happy enough without it and shit.  
AH: But then sometimes, I feel like maybe there’s just…  
AH: Something wrong with me. Maybe I’m just fucked up, and the only reason I don’t like it is because of Taz. Or because I’m just, not right somehow.  
AH: But it just doesn’t make me feel good.  
GS: Arcjec, you aren’t fucked up. I can promise you that much. And I truly do feel that you may be aromantic. And that’s fine. Some people are.  
GS: And you shouldn't force yourself to date if you don’t want to.  
AH: …  
AH: Thanks. Really, I appreciate it.  
GS: No problem.  
AH: So, uh. Good luck with Ellsee I guess? And if you need to vent sometime, as friends, feel free to ask okay?  
GS: Thanks Arcjec. I need to go now though, I have work in a little while. Talk tomorrow?  
AH: Talk tomorrow.

[grandioseSaturation ceased messaging animatedHumorist]

That went… a way he didn’t expect it to. But now what Calder said is stuck in his head, and he can’t stop thinking about it. Aromantic, that’s what he said, right? Looks like it’s time for him to do some research.

Arcjec spends the next two days looking into things, including reading experiences from others. And it all feels like it fits, in a way that nothing else has before. Like that’s _him_ , that’s who and what _he_ is. The thought of coming out about it scares him though; what if his friends don’t accept him, or what if he turns out to be wrong? There are multiple things that could go wrong and it’s terrifying.

He officially comes out to Calder a week later, and makes him swear to keep it secret. He tells no one else about this.


End file.
